The South Korean Tourism Bureau

Guess why China and Japan are fighting over those stupid islands nobody cares about. That's right, it was a deal between Lucifer (praise be he) and the South Korean Tourism Bureau in order to send more Chinese tourists to South Korea instead of Japan. "Them fuckers is crazy, riotin' and all," said Zhang Min, a 24-year-old from Hong Kong vacationing in Seoul instead of Japan this year, which is weird because Hong Kong is IN Japan.

"We don't care who make the deal as long as the place is packed," said Ima Douchbag, curator of the Self-Governing Provincial Tourism Museum and Dude Ranch on Jeju Island, the only place in South Korea where Chinese can put on cowboy hats and line dance without a passport.

Jon Cryer

On the day of the Emmys, five teenage Russian orphans, their teacher, and her husband were killed by a drunk driver at a bus stop in Moscow. So at this point, Jon Cryer, you've got to ask yourself was it worth it? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Eric Stonestreet

It's really too bad a baby giant panda at the National Zoo in Washington had to die in order for Eric Stonestreet to take home his Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in Modern Family, but the Emmys are one of Satan's busiest seasons, right after the Oscars and American elections.

Why did I have to die?

Claire Danes

Claire Danes signed on the dotted line to get her Emmy for Homeland. Loser in the deal? Billie Joe Armstrong. In exchange for Emmy glory, Danes traded Satan for an onstage meltdown by the Green Day frontman that will go down in YouTube history.

Armstrong gets eternity in the napalm hell of Lucifer's BBQ pit, and Danes continues to get paid for acting like a schizo for another season. Sweet deal, Claire, and we look forward to seeing who you send to hell next Emmy Season.